When Me-Too is Too much: Cuomo and the Cuties
You can all start emailing me now for blaming the victim, but I am actually more irritated with the women in the current Cuomo conflagration than I am with Cuomo. Absolutely, Cuomo should have been more aware of how he made young women feel. Clearly he was a jerk. But men tend towards stupidity about these things, and for sure they need to be called out. He’d hate if it happened to one of his own daughters. That part is textbook.
But the women had options too. Like calling him out then and there. Or reporting him to the right sources so that an actual dialogue, a “teachable moment” could take place in a timely way. It is not ok to dredge up every unwanted — even mildly creepy — moment years later. As if it was some sort of suppressed memory. It is way too late in the game, way too late even in the compressed “Me Too” timeline, to whine about someone making you uncomfortable long after the fact, instead of confronting it when it is fresh. It is just plain wrong. Okay, you don’t always want to have the conversation in the minute. Like at a wedding reception. Ok. But the next day? While the memory is still fresh? Yes. You need to call up your confidence and say something. It’s not okay to let it fester and bring it up for political purposes years later. That’s cowardly. Even if it is to your advantage.
Here’s the thing. Women of my generation fought really hard to get women into these positions of power and proximity. Really hard. We were demeaned and occasionally demoted, but we stayed at it. We never gave up so that one day our daughters would have the chance to be the power players they are today. Along the way laws were written to protect women. HR departments, though imperfect vehicles for redress, were now attuned to the power disparities between men high up on the ladder and women on the first few rungs. The Harvey Weinstein surge was mostly helpful to women. But it has also had a chilling effect as men in power think twice about bringing on attractive young women for fear that some off-hand remark — or even a very direct but ill-advised compliment — may go the wrong way. In return, young men are seen as safer hires. Did we do all this so that men would again think of working women as a liability? God, I hope not.
My ask of young women: Speak up. Don’t wait. Don’t allow an awkward situation to cast a long pall over your career. You don’t have time to waste. You owe it to yourself and to all of us who lobbied to get in you in the front door.